Four weeks ago was the turning of the new year. Four weeks ago was also the anniversary of realizing you have not completed a single resolution for this year, or last year. What number anniversary is it, you ask? Well, how old are you? Every year, 90% of people vow to change their lives for the better, with one general outcome: failure. People have the same resolutions every year since they were young because they have failed to make it happen, which is why Nick over there still resolves to “catch ’em all.”
Let’s take a look at an example of how New Year’s really works. Your Aunt Bessie decides it’s time to get a gym membership and to stop eating so much gosh-darn chocolate. Pretty standard. However, some background research indicates that dear Aunt Bess has been saying these same things every year since 1978. Each January sets Aunt Bessie into the worst mood of her life. No chocolate puts her a tad on edge, especially when devoid of her sweets for over three hours. Auntie B slumps off to LA Fitness to join (for the twenty-fourth year in a row). Now, in accordance with both A) every other person and B) every other year, this is the last time she will step foot into LA Fitness, until, of course, next New Year’s Day.
Instead of a fictional aunt, now picture yourself. Chances are, you either resolved to lose weight, work out, or “be better.” And think to last year. What were your thoughts last year? Chances are, you either resolved to lose weight, work out, or “be better.” First off, you get zero points for creativity. Second, it is 99% probable that you have already given up or cheated, unless your resolution was to watch TV or eat more cake.
Who, now, is profiting from these resolutions? Well, there is a 50% increase in gym membership after New Year’s. If they all purchased at least 2 months of gym memberships, then that would be approximately $50 per person. By our super-secret formula, 6 people will continue going to the gym after the first time. These people are paying for continued trips to work out, but never return after that initial day. Which basically hands work out centers cash for the rest of the year.
Another entity benefiting from the new year is junk food companies. All of the people who went to the gym that one time suddenly feel that they did well, and that it is high time that they reward themselves for taking the initiative. Brownies and syrup and nacho cheese suddenly fall onto plates everywhere. I guess that is the true circle of life.
I will end with new and appropriate resolutions for next year that everyone should probably try. No more will people go to the gym one time, only to snack for the next 364 days. Try these out next year, so when you fail, you don’t feel so bad.
- Learn quantum mechanics
- Invent hovercraft time machine, go back to first time you watched Looney Tunes
- Dig hole to Middle Earth, have tea party with Frodo
- Find way to live off of Velveeta
- Become Mitt Romney