A lead investigator took to the halls last week in an attempt to discern the opinions of the masses here at Bethel Park High School regarding President Obama’s new health care bill. The investigator took a random sampling of students and asked the respondents where they stood on the issue. It is clear, by the looks of the following data, that very few people know anything about the health care bill or even who our current president is (mentioned above, if you are lost).

One student, Tyler Williams (erm, no relation), was reported to have said, “I like health, and I like care. But I don’t like health care.” He did not want to expand on his profound statement, and I think it is due to not knowing the facts about the Bill. Quite clearly some instruction is needed on the subject, so here is a quick rundown of our current situation: Thousands of people go bankrupt in the United States due to medical bills that they cannot pay. Some people are lucky enough to afford health care through private means or through their job, or if a care package falls out of the sky. However, with costs, unemployment, and number of people without goats rising, our President has attempted to institute a system in which everyone would be required to get some form of health care, though there are no mentions of goats in his proposed bill.

In an effort to get a more coherent response to the question at hand, we asked senior Trevor Walter to comment. He replied, but I could not hear him. I heard one word, which was, “syntax,” and I knew that whatever he said probably didn’t make any sense anyway. He did, however, mumble for a really long time, and our investigator fell into a deep slumber which was only able to be relieved with the Chocolate episode of Spongebob.

After a long search to find an informed citizen with acceptable social skills, we settled with a random, annoying freshman. When asked for a comment, he shouted, “America!” and promptly fell off of his chair. It is obvious that our student body needs to be more informed, though it is also obvious that one thing our school does not lack is patriotism.

This concludes the first episode of Student Voices.